Now I am writing again, after the things that happened in the past, I just couldn’t stop my fingers from typing my thoughts or even worst, keeping it to myself. There are lots of things that happened within the past few days that I kept myself from blogging. And may the god of cyber space or whatever forgive me but I wouldn’t go into so many details because I promise myself to keep everything reserved or at least keep my ass off from troubles or issues.
Last week was not the coolest days of my life. I’ve been generally living my nose on crappy grounds and to make it even worst… just as expected everything was screwed up. It wasn’t my normal abnormal state days that I could always goof around and makes everybody happy… because for once in my life I enjoyed being alone.
Eating lunch alone, shopping alone, being at home at a Friday night when everyone was having the best times of their lives drinking beers and scoring chicks. Yes! You read that right. I practically grew up surrounded by lots of people… friends, friend of a friend, acquaintance or human being having fun and living life to the fullest. I loved talking and sharing thoughts with everyone…. But because of the things that recently occurred, I found myself embracing the loser life or at least giving myself a distance from the world. I somehow enjoyed it, not because I hated everyone but because I wanted to stop the crazy schiz that all of them are up to. I know that they are just concern about how I am feeling right now, or how would I deal things now that there are new things on board, but sweet jesus I know that they already knew how miserable I felt or I am feeling right now, I am just not ready to take it out, again and again and again. And I don’t want to answer same stupid question like, Ok ka lang ba? every single fart of the day.
And of course, this is another part of my life that I failed miserably for the nth time. Paranoia invading my brain that each time a friend of mine looks at me with their concern looking eyes I am getting this fucking feeling that at the back of their mind they were all thinking that… here we go again, never ever learned your lesson.
I know I am a stupid ass for even thinking of that, but certainly up to now, I just can’t figure it out what went wrong. Or am I cursed that these horrible-melodramatic-telenovelatic things are actually happening to me. I know the whole world wouldn’t give a flying fuck to understand and I am not begging it to do it for me. All I need is a lot of space to mourn and get wasted. Or at least I could hang out with people just as long as they would at least stay away from stupid questions or topics that will directly hit my situation. Period.
I know I am not a good person or freakin Mother Teresa, but I know I have help somebody in the past so could at least have a reward for that? Believers of any charismatic union, how could I make my life worthy when every time I look at myself at the mirror all I could see is a fucked up person staring right in front of me with lots of issues to deal with even before she was born?
This is not the way I wanted my first issue to be but believe me I am not thinking at all. I am just typing away everything that came out from my frigid nuts…
Happy Death Day!!!
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