Roger "FUCKIN" Rabbit: A Very Short Story

I celebrated my birthday a week ago. It was one of the highest and lowest point of my life. It was that very day that I realized how blessed I am to have friends from in and outside my job. It felt good.

But at the very same moment, I am battling 95 demons in my head. After 8 years of no meds and therapy, they are back- stronger and angrier. I tried working it out alone. But it only lead me to a series of poor decisions. I let my guards down, allowing vultures to feed on my decaying insecurities and need of appreciation.

Then there was this one guy - let’s call him Roger. It was a flick of gold shimmer in the pool of mud and garbage of my so called life. For a brief moment, I was lead to believe that I am worth loving. It was a short moment of bliss. 

He's not Dave. My friends told me he's an overcorrection. Not the typical guy I will date. Even the boss warned me, "Why start something you knew that is doom from the start..." I said that the only red flag I saw in him is the fact that we live in the opposite side of the spectrum. I am Ying and he's my Yang. I can work with that. I am willing to meet him halfway or even join him in his Yang realm.

And then it was gone. His reason was blurry. I did not understand or maybe I refused to understand. All I know was, I have to get away from him. To save face. To save my heart from breaking... again. But to be honest, I wasn't in love yet. I am hurt not because I already have a deep attachment to him. I just can't seem to fathom the idea that I got played nine ways to Sunday. He's good. He's Roger Fucking Rabbit good. I'd like to believe that I am a pro. I mean come on... I am not the goody good good either. Promiscuity is my middle name. After all, I am my father's daughter. Yes! You can google our family's flirty history. FOR GOD'S SAKE, WE'RE ON THE NEWS BECAUSE OF THAT!

But Roger Fucking Rabbit is Al Pacino. He is the godfather. Hands-down-raise-the-roof-tip-of-the-hat good. He's a con artist in disguise. Fucking redundant. For awhile, I thought God sent me this man to change me. To leave the lifestyle I am living for 30 years. I guess, I'd be sticking for awhile. Not today kid. Not today.

The Year 2016

I started this year with a glimmering and humongous ball of hope that 2016 will definitely be my year. But my oh my, it's not. And here's how:

The Failed Promotion

I've been in this company for quite a while and I can say that my work is exemplary. I am not bragging but my achievements can speak for itself. I spent most of my waking hour in the office to the point that I always put my "DQMR" hat above everything else; that includes, my family, my friends and my health. There was a brief moment when my dogs would bark at me because I am not home most of the time and they couldn't recognized me anymore. I am always sick. Often my illness is due to over fatigue or lack of sleep (but I still go to work). My Mom and Dad called it quits after a 29 years of relationship and I wasn't even home for it because I am at work. Worst of all, I told them that they can sort their shit without me because I have no time because I have an audit to prepare for. In short, my personal and health life is falling apart because I am too busy making my boss proud of me. So with that in mind, I humbly asked my superiors if they can spare a little of their time to review my performance and consider promoting me.


It was a favorable response but it didn't push through. Maybe I am not good enough yet. So failed!


The Heart Break

I am, for lack of better term, "heartless" ever since my heart was stumped and crippled by a monster back in 2011. Suffice to say, I veered away from any romantic and emotional attachment because I was that damaged. But before the end of 2015, my close friends and I decided that maybe it is time for me to get back in the horse. Normally, my game is to just wait for my desired guy to fall in love with me. I am that insecure. Contrary to others belief, I am actually shy at this kind of things. I don't do bold moves to win a man.


However, this year, I changed my game. Somebody convinced me that I am not young anymore and that I need to be a bit more aggressive in claiming what I want. So I mustered all the courage I can get and decided to make the first move. I fuckin' rehearse my line for 2 weeks just to make it perfect. To cut the story short, I professed my feelings and got sucker punched in the end. Though I got an "I'm sorry-I-don't-feel-the-same-way" hug from him before we part ways. So failed!


The Good Daughter

 Four years after the separation, I am still not used to spending two Christmases and New Years to two different houses (too much carbs, y'all). But I can live with that. What fuckin disgusted me this year was the fact that I have to deal with incessant and unnecessarily household dramas from my relatives. But because I am the "good apo", I need to be okay with them making my world uncomfortable to live with. So failed!


The Half-Faced Freeze

To put cherry on top of my awesome year, because I am too neglectful of my own health (because of the shitload of to do list in my bucket) my face kind of froze, literally. I encountered a viral infection which resulted to bell's palsy. It is a syndrome where my face muscles decided to commit harakiri. I have to undergo therapy and medicines just to wiped that "ngiwi" smile on my face. I sound funny while writing this but fuck it's not. I am constantly drooling. I can't drink without spilling. I can't close my right eye; so I need to put tape in it every night before I can go to sleep. I need to put lubrication in my eye because I can't blink. If I don't, I will go blind. So yeah failed!


Cooper

However despite the odds, I will not end my year with me not having the promotion I deserve; with me not winning the heart of the man I loved; with me not having a fair share of comfortable household; with me not moving my half face -- because I am that stubborn. I refused to end this year with negativity and failed goals.

I FUCKIN BOUGHT MY FIRST CAR!

Some say, it is financial suicide. But HELL NO! I am breaking my misfortune by snatching the wheel back to my hand. I bought this car for two reasons; first is to crossed it off my bucket list and second is to deliver a statement. A statement that says-- PAKYU Universe! I will not let your negativity control my life. This is me refusing to accept defeat. This is me standing up for 2016 and give myself a little pat on the back for unlocking one of the major entry in my bucket list. Because when I grow old and I was asked what is my memory of 2016; the one thing I will remember is--- 2016 is the year I purchased my first car which I named, Cooper. 

ANTON: The Unrequited Love

About four years ago, I got myself involved in an eccentric-pseudo relationship with a stick figure with no soul. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life but it was also the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day is like paradise. It was indeed a fantasy from which my heart never wished to wake up but my mind tells me otherwise. I hit rock bottom.

I opted for the high road. I chose to let go of the fantasy and be in the “right” choice. I was able to get my feet back in the game. Fast forward into the present, I am what I am right now because I chose not to fall in love again. I purposely stay away from any potential relationship because I knew that is my weakness. I forced my heart to get numb. To not feel anything even the slightest hint of admiration. 

But just as I thought I am getting good at it, Anton came into my life.

“I still love you, but you are not worth this pain…”

People from my world were all perplexed when I told them about Anton. They told me that he’s just an over-correction and my feelings for him won’t last. As much as I would like to agree with them, my heart shouts otherwise. The simple infatuation turned into obsession. I found myself distracted from everything. I can’t concentrate and sleep. He’s all I am thinking about. So I decided to end it once and for all.

"I don't want to be the person looking at the close box wondering whether the cat is alive or dead... I want to open the box and see it for myself... So I am asking you, is the cat dead or alive?"

... Anton swallowed his own spit and looked the other way. I knew from that look that his answer is No...
 

I was crushed. I wanted to get lost in the oblivion of my own despair. I have once again let my guards down and succumb into a fantasy called love. I don’t exactly know why I loved him. I am not sure if this is really love; or just an addiction. Addiction to an exquisite pain of loving someone that is unattainable.

I know he will never read this blog. I know he will never even bother to take a second look at this entry. But just in case he will stumble upon this, here’s what I have to say…”Anton, my sweet darling Anton… I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. But through the years, I have learn to love myself a little bit more that is why I won’t wait for you to love me back. I just want you to know that we could have been wonderful. But you let go of that chance when you said No… I wish you nothing but happiness. I’ll be okay. Thanks for being so honest… I love you, for the last time.”

Bayan o Sarili: An Unsolicited Opinion from a Wimpy Adult

 

 

My primal reason for taking Journalism in college is the fact that I want to become a journalist. I wanted to expose the truth. I wanted to ensure check and balance for the greater good. But as I walk through the journey of being in the media (I have enough exposure since I studied at a school that has its own broadsheet) I realized that I am not only digging my grave deep but I am actually walking towards my death. There’s too much dirt and “under the table” shenanigans. Not to mention, the financial stability is at stake. And so I opted for another route.

I used to have an opinion on all things. I am not good at verbal confrontation or debate; (I suck at it, really) that is why I have a blog to air out my thoughts when I decided to abandon the journalistic career. I was very brave back then. Maybe because when we are young, we tend to feel that we can own the world. Our balls are bigger as the boulder chasing Indiana Jones. We have this unknown force raising our fearless level to max. Also, we have enough supply of energy to do what we want to do. Our glands are overflowing with hormones, making us forget about the repercussions of our actions. But as we grow old, life will smack our face with a cold hard truth; that having an opinion will just get you killed.

But the hunger to broadcast the truth is still in my system. I can not just abandon the ethics I learned from my mentors just because I chose not to hold on to my Press ID. So from time to time I dip my toes to some social news or simply airing out my opinion whether social or personal in my social media accounts. I got burned a lot of times. But difference between then and now is when my opinionated-bitchy mouth gets me into to trouble; I fight back in with utmost indignation because I know for sure that I am from the right side. But now, I’d crawl back to my lair like a full-grown coward while nursing the wounds of people that got offended from my written thoughts.  

I don’t have that fierce in me anymore. I used to be tough and I don’t get easily intimidated. But life happens when you start to think of others welfare too. You will start to fear for your life not because you are scared to die but you are afraid if the consequences will bring pain (physical or emotional) to your loved ones. You tend to care for that other person more than you think of your own beliefs and what-not. So instead of fighting for what you think is right based on your perception or principles, I am forced to shut up.

Having an opinion and exercising your freedom of speech is overrated because every human has a different mindset and beliefs. And if you point out your opinion, chances are somebody will going to feel affronted. And if that person has a power over you; it can be very ugly and painful.

So going back to the question Bayan o Sarili?  This pretty much sums it up. I am not Ahron Villaflor's character, Joven in Heneral Luna who will still expose the truth despite the ear and hand injury he got from the war.

 

Okay? Okay!

This is going to be my first post for 2015. I haven’t been updating this blog for a long time not because I have no time but because I simply don’t have anything to write about. Lately, my life revolves around work, home, dogs and TV series marathon. Fun and I had a temporary set-back. Not that I resent fun but lately I feel like my life is pretty much running the same course every single day. I got tired of doing things I used to enjoy or being with people I used to be with. I feel like I am comfortable being alone. It terrifies me how I love being with myself and I preferred shutting down all kinds of human interaction. I am scared to wake up one day and realized I already barred everyone away and I am in different kind of alone. But I can’t help it. I actually love having no one around me.

Another reason why I don’t blog anymore is the fact that I think I am getting rusty. I have a number of failed attempts before in updating this blog site. But somewhere along my twisted mind, I can’t finish what I started. I can’t formulate a complete train of thought let alone finish a whole blog entry. I am all over the place. (writing this entry alone took me a month, so, get my point?)

2014 was an emotional rollercoaster ride. It’s a constant feast of treachery, betrayal and anguish. I never thought I could make it through but maybe, just maybe, having been in a near-death situation could really make your skin a little thicker and your heart a little harder.

I’ve been doing very well, career wise. I finished off my deliverables with an ultimate perfection. I hosted different corporate events and parties both for fun and work – all of which hit with absolute aptness. I have received sumptuous clamor and appreciation from both the Big Boss and the Super Big Boss. But then again, you can’t really have the best of both worlds. While I am rocking solidly at my job, my family affair was doing the bitching. But I was able to make it until the end of the year and frankly, I think I am OK.

I lost a friend just before the holiday started. It was a bit shocking and it forced everyone in my High school group to reunite (virtually) to commemorate his life. Death of a loved one is really a constant reminder of mortality and how we should really savor every minute of our own existence before we clocked out.

Then a week after my birthday, one of my dogs died. He’s been suffering from an organ failure for quite sometimes and it was really heartbreaking. It was not a sudden death but it cut my heart so bad that it made me decide to stop adopting pets for awhile. As of writing this entry, I am still not yet over the pain and still having flashbacks of that sordid event. 

I am OK. Or at least I think I am. I am having this panic attack lately which I masked flawlessly for everyone to not notice. I am getting better at this. Every time I feel that ounce of panic in my system, instead of popping calming pills, I start doing some physical work. Like immediately after my dog died, I cleaned the entire house, have my hair chopped, dyed it and performed a DYI keratin treatment. I don’t know if I am dealing it the right way but I guess it works.

So I guess I am OK.

I hope I am OK.

The Last Straw: Dear Paul

2013 just ended and most bloggers will surely blog about how this year went by. I felt like I need to but when I started typing my thoughts away, I just know capping my 2013 isn’t what I need to vent. So beware, if you’re still with me at this point I have to warn you that this is gonna be an awful piece of melodramatic-emoish-fucktard piece of rant about love.

To simply give you the background, some years ago I fell in love with a boy and I haven’t totally moved on yet up until now. I tried stealing him away from his current relationship but because he is not in to me, that didn’t happen. He’s getting married soon and I tried so hard (God knows how hard I tried) to be happy for them but I can’t… I just can’t. So I am pouring my feelings out. Why vent online? I don’t know maybe because I need stranger’s sympathy (or create internet havoc) or maybe just maybe he got a hold on to this site and consider this unconventional-close-to-desperation declaration of love as a full-on romantic gesture that’s enough to woo his heart into falling in love with me.

So here it goes:  

Dear Paul,

I know you probably think I am over you because I said I am and I know you wouldn’t think even for a second that I will do this humiliating stunt because you think you know me better because after all we’ve been best friends for almost half of our waking years. Well you are so wrong. I’ve been in love with you for the past 11 years and I am fucking tired of it. I said, I want to move on and just be happy for you and your girl but I can’t. I honestly can’t. God knows how I tried to kill the feelings and just be fuckin okay with it but it is so freakin’ exhausting. I jump from one relationship to another just to void the feelings or at least find someone to replace you with.

But after a dozen failed relationships, I realized I need to stop kidding myself and just accept that there will be no real relationship for me until I am totally over you. I decided being away from you is less stupid than watching you being happy and in love with somebody else. BOY WAS I WRONG THE WHOLE TIME. It took five cheesy tagalog movies and a barrel of beer before I realized that accepting that I can’t get over you will just make it simple.

But I tried fixing that. I really tried.

For a while I live my life by creating an outer dimension where I can make myself believe that I am already over you. I live my life being immune with the pain and the longing and then one day you told me you will marry her soon. I know you are bound to that but it was fracking frustrating how one sentence can ruin my entire ­make-shift fantasy. I gave my best effort making myself well. I work hard on creating that illusion that I can replace you. But you took that away too.

I can’t be happy for you. I wish I could. But here’s what I am going to do. I will maintain my distance and will not bother you until my dying breath because I sincerely believe that you guys are perfect for each other. I love you and I want you to be happy. It sucks that I can’t be that person responsible for your happiness but that is how this crazy ass world rolls.

I know I am rambling and I don’t even made any sense at all. I don’t know how to end this shitty article let alone my feelings for you so I have Barbie Almabis to end it for me. Not the feelings but this entry.

The Ugly Truth

I had a glimpse of my future last week and it ain’t gonna be soooo good. I knew I said this a lot of times to random people and I totally meant it but that was before this shit happened to me. So this is tze story--I’ve been forcing myself lately into doing all the things all at the same time. I had to. I am required to. I can’t blame my company for making their money worth because after all they are paying me enough to be their bitch… OH! WAIT! NO THEY ‘RE NOT! Anyway that is not the issue. The issue was because of that endless amount of work and stress, my health suffered a lot. Last week was the full manifestation of my health failure.

Here’s what happened; the day started not so good. I just came from a weekend bout of fever and flu when I decided not to nurse it because my work was piling up. I showed up at work, feeling weak and looking weak.  I was in the middle of doing my work chore when that sudden sting of pain fucked my head. It was excruciatingly painful that I can no longer see things. I am shaking and my feet were wobbly. I summoned all my remaining strength and led myself to the office clinic. The nurse said I need rest since it was a serious case of over fatigue. I was asked to go home early. I called my mom, she wasn’t home. I can’t call my dad because of the PRO thing. I can’t call the Bestie since he wasn’t near my area…  Then it hit me – I have no one.

I felt so helpless. It was tediously painful but I have to go home and brave the wilderness of the streets, alone. With my impaired vision and throbbing head, I need to this… alone. Thank God, I was so lucky to end with an honest cab driver that did not take advantage of my weakness. I got home safely. I went straight to my room and dozed off.

When I woke up, my mom was there. No words. I was so thirsty but my head was still throbbing in pain. I gathered my strength to stand up and pour myself a tall glass of water. As I quenched the remaining drops of water in my glass, I realized the scary truth – this is gonna be your future, alone. Miserable. Helpless. Weak.

Learn it. Live it. Want it.