Okay? Okay!

This is going to be my first post for 2015. I haven’t been updating this blog for a long time not because I have no time but because I simply don’t have anything to write about. Lately, my life revolves around work, home, dogs and TV series marathon. Fun and I had a temporary set-back. Not that I resent fun but lately I feel like my life is pretty much running the same course every single day. I got tired of doing things I used to enjoy or being with people I used to be with. I feel like I am comfortable being alone. It terrifies me how I love being with myself and I preferred shutting down all kinds of human interaction. I am scared to wake up one day and realized I already barred everyone away and I am in different kind of alone. But I can’t help it. I actually love having no one around me.

Another reason why I don’t blog anymore is the fact that I think I am getting rusty. I have a number of failed attempts before in updating this blog site. But somewhere along my twisted mind, I can’t finish what I started. I can’t formulate a complete train of thought let alone finish a whole blog entry. I am all over the place. (writing this entry alone took me a month, so, get my point?)

2014 was an emotional rollercoaster ride. It’s a constant feast of treachery, betrayal and anguish. I never thought I could make it through but maybe, just maybe, having been in a near-death situation could really make your skin a little thicker and your heart a little harder.

I’ve been doing very well, career wise. I finished off my deliverables with an ultimate perfection. I hosted different corporate events and parties both for fun and work – all of which hit with absolute aptness. I have received sumptuous clamor and appreciation from both the Big Boss and the Super Big Boss. But then again, you can’t really have the best of both worlds. While I am rocking solidly at my job, my family affair was doing the bitching. But I was able to make it until the end of the year and frankly, I think I am OK.

I lost a friend just before the holiday started. It was a bit shocking and it forced everyone in my High school group to reunite (virtually) to commemorate his life. Death of a loved one is really a constant reminder of mortality and how we should really savor every minute of our own existence before we clocked out.

Then a week after my birthday, one of my dogs died. He’s been suffering from an organ failure for quite sometimes and it was really heartbreaking. It was not a sudden death but it cut my heart so bad that it made me decide to stop adopting pets for awhile. As of writing this entry, I am still not yet over the pain and still having flashbacks of that sordid event. 

I am OK. Or at least I think I am. I am having this panic attack lately which I masked flawlessly for everyone to not notice. I am getting better at this. Every time I feel that ounce of panic in my system, instead of popping calming pills, I start doing some physical work. Like immediately after my dog died, I cleaned the entire house, have my hair chopped, dyed it and performed a DYI keratin treatment. I don’t know if I am dealing it the right way but I guess it works.

So I guess I am OK.

I hope I am OK.