Monday, May 30, 2016

ANTON: The Unrequited Love



About four years ago, I got myself involved in an eccentric-pseudo relationship with a stick figure with no soul. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life but it was also the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day is like paradise. It was indeed a fantasy from which my heart never wished to wake up but my mind tells me otherwise. I hit rock bottom.

I opted for the high road. I chose to let go of the fantasy and be in the “right” choice. I was able to get my feet back in the game. Fast forward into the present, I am what I am right now because I chose not to fall in love again. I purposely stay away from any potential relationship because I knew that is my weakness. I forced my heart to get numb. To not feel anything even the slightest hint of admiration. 

But just as I thought I am getting good at it, Anton came into my life.

“I still love you, but you are not worth this pain…”

People from my world were all perplexed when I told them about Anton. They told me that he’s just an over-correction and my feelings for him won’t last. As much as I would like to agree with them, my heart shouts otherwise. The simple infatuation turned into obsession. I found myself distracted from everything. I can’t concentrate and sleep. He’s all I am thinking about. So I decided to end it once and for all.

"I don't want to be the person looking at the close box wondering whether the cat is alive or dead... I want to open the box and see it for myself... So I am asking you, is the cat dead or alive?"

... Anton swallowed his own spit and looked the other way. I knew from that look that his answer is No...
 
I was crushed. I wanted to get lost in the oblivion of my own despair. I have once again let my guards down and succumb into a fantasy called love. I don’t exactly know why I loved him. I am not sure if this is really love; or just an addiction. Addiction to an exquisite pain of loving someone that is unattainable.


I know he will never read this blog. I know he will never even bother to take a second look at this entry. But just in case he will stumble upon this, here’s what I have to say…”Anton, my sweet darling Anton… I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. But through the years, I have learn to love myself a little bit more that is why I won’t wait for you to love me back. I just want you to know that we could have been wonderful. But you let go of that chance when you said No… I wish you nothing but happiness. I’ll be okay. Thanks for being so honest… I love you, for the last time.”

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