The Last Straw: Dear Paul

2013 just ended and most bloggers will surely blog about how this year went by. I felt like I need to but when I started typing my thoughts away, I just know capping my 2013 isn’t what I need to vent. So beware, if you’re still with me at this point I have to warn you that this is gonna be an awful piece of melodramatic-emoish-fucktard piece of rant about love.

To simply give you the background, some years ago I fell in love with a boy and I haven’t totally moved on yet up until now. I tried stealing him away from his current relationship but because he is not in to me, that didn’t happen. He’s getting married soon and I tried so hard (God knows how hard I tried) to be happy for them but I can’t… I just can’t. So I am pouring my feelings out. Why vent online? I don’t know maybe because I need stranger’s sympathy (or create internet havoc) or maybe just maybe he got a hold on to this site and consider this unconventional-close-to-desperation declaration of love as a full-on romantic gesture that’s enough to woo his heart into falling in love with me.

So here it goes:  

Dear Paul,

I know you probably think I am over you because I said I am and I know you wouldn’t think even for a second that I will do this humiliating stunt because you think you know me better because after all we’ve been best friends for almost half of our waking years. Well you are so wrong. I’ve been in love with you for the past 11 years and I am fucking tired of it. I said, I want to move on and just be happy for you and your girl but I can’t. I honestly can’t. God knows how I tried to kill the feelings and just be fuckin okay with it but it is so freakin’ exhausting. I jump from one relationship to another just to void the feelings or at least find someone to replace you with.

But after a dozen failed relationships, I realized I need to stop kidding myself and just accept that there will be no real relationship for me until I am totally over you. I decided being away from you is less stupid than watching you being happy and in love with somebody else. BOY WAS I WRONG THE WHOLE TIME. It took five cheesy tagalog movies and a barrel of beer before I realized that accepting that I can’t get over you will just make it simple.

But I tried fixing that. I really tried.

For a while I live my life by creating an outer dimension where I can make myself believe that I am already over you. I live my life being immune with the pain and the longing and then one day you told me you will marry her soon. I know you are bound to that but it was fracking frustrating how one sentence can ruin my entire ­make-shift fantasy. I gave my best effort making myself well. I work hard on creating that illusion that I can replace you. But you took that away too.

I can’t be happy for you. I wish I could. But here’s what I am going to do. I will maintain my distance and will not bother you until my dying breath because I sincerely believe that you guys are perfect for each other. I love you and I want you to be happy. It sucks that I can’t be that person responsible for your happiness but that is how this crazy ass world rolls.

I know I am rambling and I don’t even made any sense at all. I don’t know how to end this shitty article let alone my feelings for you so I have Barbie Almabis to end it for me. Not the feelings but this entry.