I know this could be a bit gross but I actually had a realization yesterday while I was taking a shower. Well, we all kind of accepted that bathrooms are usually some sort of a conscience or thinking chamber where you can just soap your back and think of any random facts about your life. Well, that’s what happened to me last night.
Yesterday was a bit odd in the house. I just don’t want to go on the details but everybody was all effed up and yelling and cursing like shit in a pie hole. I wasn’t cool about it so I just locked myself in the bathroom and have my own moment.
Ten years ago, I have a girl best friend. Let’s name her B. We spend lot of times together and share the best high school days together. We were inseparable and despite of the shitty shortcomings that both our families were going on through, we managed to get away with it… fashionably. Yes, both of us were known as the fashion geeks. We know everything about make-ups, coolest get up and latest trends. We go to the mall as often as we change our underwear and we sing praises to all SALE announcements as loud as we sing at the chapel. But most of all, we stick together like a gum when things are getting rough and difficult.
“You are the greatest gift that I ever have”
Way back to that days, I dreamed of something really strange. It wasn’t actually a nightmare but it was too creepy. The setting was old Japanese Era; I am in a battle tank with B and another guy friend. We are dress up like guerillas and it’s a little obvious that we are going in a combat. I looked up at the driver’s seat and saw B’s dead grandfather driving the vehicle. “What the fuck!” Then everything went black. The next vision was the San Sebastian Church, I was holding a flower in my left hand and another friend was holding my other hand. We went inside the church and pray. Just as I am about to bow my head to pray, the lights turn off and I couldn’t see anything. I whispered to my friend, “Ok lang yan… nandito lang ako. Itong flower, ibibigay ko sa iyo ito para ipakita ko kung gaano kaimportante ang friendship natin” When that friend of mine accepted the flower, the lights went on again and I saw the person I am giving the flower with. It wasn’t the guy I am holding before the lights went off. It was her, it was B.
I woke up feeling dizzy about what I saw in my dream but I just ignored it thinking that it was just another irrelevant works of my subconscious mind. Months passed, we are getting closer and closer to our graduation day. B and I were planning so many things that we wanted to do in college. But one day, something weird happened. I was in my house munching foods while watching TV, B and that guy friend from the dream arrived at my crib. I wasn’t surprise because we often hang out like that. But when she told me that she has something to say and her face went serious and her eyebrow twitched… I felt weird.
We are kind of going out…Medyo matagal na…
That was the breaking news. She took it off so seriously and I thought it was HIGHlarious. I already knew that the guy has the hots for my best friend and when I told her about that she went ballistic and saying things like… EEEWWW! So when I found out that they finally end up together, it was just too funny for me. But of course, if that is the way she wanted to spend her life with, I am just a friend, so ready to support her.
But something was effed up. The guy didn’t get the part that I am actually cool with them sneaked behind my back for the sake of love. So our friendship started to get messed up. Then one fine day, I received a called from B’s mom, “You see, by any chances, can you tell your friend to break up with that boy”. Of course, I can’t do that. I don’t want to be the selfish bitch wrecking up a relationship. I said, “ All I want is the best for my best friend and seeing her happy with that boy makes my dream come true. I am just a friend, all I can do is to support her and be at her back. I can’t run her life… I am sorry I can’t help you…”
I thought it was one of the few nicest things I did in my life. Turns out it was just a full swing in the wind. They were really serious in missing the part that I am cool with their relationship and stick with the idea that I am the bad guy. So I felt that I am being watched for every move I do or any thing that I say. And I knew, B is not strong enough to handle such tough situation. So that’s it. I distanced myself with them and pretended to be busy. The tiny wrecked in our friendship becomes a humungous crap. We never had the chance to talk about it. It’s like everything is understood. It’s a choice between love and friendship and most likely, friendship are gonna suffer.
And that is when I finally deciphered the meaning of my dream. B and I will gonna face our own battle and the price to pay is our friendship; But because the one who’s driving the vehicle have already passed away… means that this battle will be our death; the death of friendship. The vision in the church symbolizes that in bright times I have random people beside me but in time of darkness I am holding on to only one hand… B.
Up to now things are still screwed. But they are still together and happy. And B’s mom accepted the reality that her daughter loves that boy. And up until now, B and I are still on the sinking ship… almost drowning. It is really awkward every time I bump into her and we talk as if we are a total stranger. There’s an uncanny feelings between us that never stops every time we try making things alright. Then maybe it is just reality that smacking my face that things are not going to go back the way it was.
I just missed her… my best friend because if only things are ok, she should be the one who was there when I heard about my family situation. She should be the one who’s with me when I received my diploma, she should be the one who was with me when I had my first salary… She should be the one who’s with me when my world came stumbling down on me. She should be the one with me when I was still battling against the darkest hours of my life. Without her, I have to fight my battles alone and I have to enjoy some good stuff alone… And I have to live everyday mocking myself that the one I am calling my best friend is just a parody of the real one.
I know it’s over but still I cling… I missed you… B.
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