Burning Bridges

DISCLAIMER: This is a very disturbing entry. It’s full of anger and disappointment. So for those who are involved, I don’t ask for your sympathy… I NEED YOUR APOLOGY because I deserve one…

This marks the end of my noble and humbling service for my high school old buddies. I volunteered to organize a shitful reunion shindig for my co-alumni in Baste. I thought I was doing it all right and I have everyone supporting my back… turned out, it was just a big joke and everyone was laughing except me.

I knew it wasn’t that easy reuniting old peepz from different parts of the Philippines but I am kind of hopeful that we all share the same sentiments like missing the old things we used to do. I HAD IT ALL WRONG! The planning stage was undeniably sweet. It was really really fun and everyone was doing their own share of ideas and comments. But as we get closer to the date… each one of them were popping like bubbles and magically vanished in to thin air.

I got so pissed that pushed me to send away angry text messages to everyone stating that the event

[caption id="attachment_101" align="alignright" width="400" caption="thou shall not kill... but i have to!"][/caption]

was cancelled. I am tired of begging for their presence and planning this whole damn thing by myself. Nobody cares, so I should not care too… royt! It’s not as if they are paying me for doing this shiteous labor. And if ever they will, they can never afford it. I have tons of important things to do. They are all lining up in my bucket list and I should deal with these instead of this reunion-crap. I know I am sounding like a melodramatic bitch but all of you should at least have a single care because… for once we became part of each others life. At least, recognize the effort and try not to be as fucktard people as you all are now.

I know I am burning bridges just by typing away these words… and I am not referring to the entire U-PACS group. You know who you are and I say this clearly… YOU SHOULDN’T BACK AWAY WHEN YOU SAID THAT YOU ARE COMING because naturally we are counting on you. Cancelling at the last minute is so fuckin work of a retard.

And there’s another person involved in the planning who got his ass screwed because some of you decided not to cooperate. I felt sorry for this dude because he was forced to pay the resort’s reservation fee. I don’t know what happen next but I am sure he is effed up too. I am sorry Ed…

I probably had the worst reputation in our batch and I know everyone considered it as a fact. And now, I am embracing that image whole heartedly without thinking twice. You may dislike me and I don’t give an effin fuck to care. Pero kayo ang nang-iiwan sa ere, so you are no better than I am. I organized this thing to help rejuvenate our friendship because I thought we share the same feelings. But now, I think there’s really no friendship to revive at all.

But anyway, there are few people… the old people I always count on to. My BBRC group who never let me down decided to refurnished the old plan and decided to washed away all of the negatives vibes by traveling up north.

So as my stat message says, PAGUDPUD HERE WE COME!!!

that's the way it is... but I am pissed!

Say it’s true; the only constant in life is change. I was too jaded for planning a meeting for my High School reunion last weekend. Gathering them up together was totally the stupidest thing I ever volunteered to do. It was a total pain in the ass move but don’t get me wrong but planning this event was really really not that easy. I bet the first group who had the same advocacy as moi had just given up for this particular reason.

Anyhow, I swear to my life I won’t give up till last Saturday. It was just an honest to goodness speculation I had came across to but I think… having this reunion is nothing but a stinky bull crap. Why? Last weekend, I spent most of my time calling everyone, posting in every social network in the World Wide Web I could manage and sending away e-mail messages to all of them. I scheduled a meet-up for all of us so we could all agree upon the said reunion thing. We could brainstorm ideas and we could arrange our schedules that will suit every body. Out of forty people, only seven of us managed to show up.

NOW WHAT AM I THINKING??? Only few people in the world should care about this event yet there are only seven of us who really show the support and will to participate. It was just one heck of a meeting in Manila what else more if we scheduled it on a very far away province. It’s like an hour travel but only seven people managed to effin CARE! I am uttermost disappointed and what made it worst was I can’t blame anyone. Maybe because we have to accept that we are no longer kids anymore. We are no longer part of any high school hype shits that we used to be part of when we were younger. And most of all, we all now have different lives and most of us have moved on to the kiddy stuffs we used to enjoy with.

Most of them responded like they are so busy and they have tons of other lives to dwell on to. Let me say my piece: I ditched work, I came straight from the hospital, I don’t have enough sleep, I talked to people I don’t want to talk to, I wracked up my phone bill to the highest limit and I waited looooong hours JUST TO HAVE THIS EVENT WORK!

Surely, I am pissed! I can’t deny that fact but what else can I do? That’s the way it is. Now, who ever reads this… might not understand or will probably be offended on what I have written in this entry. But you can’t blame me for feeling this way because I also sacrifice some things in my everyday life and sure those seven people too but the question is… WHY CAN’T YOU?

03.05.08

I know this could be a bit gross but I actually had a realization yesterday while I was taking a shower. Well, we all kind of accepted that bathrooms are usually some sort of a conscience or thinking chamber where you can just soap your back and think of any random facts about your life. Well, that’s what happened to me last night.

Yesterday was a bit odd in the house. I just don’t want to go on the details but everybody was all effed up and yelling and cursing like shit in a pie hole. I wasn’t cool about it so I just locked myself in the bathroom and have my own moment.

Ten years ago, I have a girl best friend. Let’s name her B. We spend lot of times together and share the best high school days together. We were inseparable and despite of the shitty shortcomings that both our families were going on through, we managed to get away with it… fashionably. Yes, both of us were known as the fashion geeks. We know everything about make-ups, coolest get up and latest trends. We go to the mall as often as we change our underwear and we sing praises to all SALE announcements as loud as we sing at the chapel. But most of all, we stick together like a gum when things are getting rough and difficult.

“You are the greatest gift that I ever have”

Way back to that days, I dreamed of something really strange. It wasn’t actually a nightmare but it was too creepy. The setting was old Japanese Era; I am in a battle tank with B and another guy friend. We are dress up like guerillas and it’s a little obvious that we are going in a combat. I looked up at the driver’s seat and saw B’s dead grandfather driving the vehicle. “What the fuck!” Then everything went black. The next vision was the San Sebastian Church, I was holding a flower in my left hand and another friend was holding my other hand. We went inside the church and pray. Just as I am about to bow my head to pray, the lights turn off and I couldn’t see anything. I whispered to my friend, “Ok lang yan… nandito lang ako. Itong flower, ibibigay ko sa iyo ito para ipakita ko kung gaano kaimportante ang friendship natin” When that friend of mine accepted the flower, the lights went on again and I saw the person I am giving the flower with. It wasn’t the guy I am holding before the lights went off. It was her, it was B.

I woke up feeling dizzy about what I saw in my dream but I just ignored it thinking that it was just another irrelevant works of my subconscious mind. Months passed, we are getting closer and closer to our graduation day. B and I were planning so many things that we wanted to do in college. But one day, something weird happened. I was in my house munching foods while watching TV, B and that guy friend from the dream arrived at my crib. I wasn’t surprise because we often hang out like that. But when she told me that she has something to say and her face went serious and her eyebrow twitched… I felt weird.

We are kind of going out…Medyo matagal na…

That was the breaking news. She took it off so seriously and I thought it was HIGHlarious. I already knew that the guy has the hots for my best friend and when I told her about that she went ballistic and saying things like… EEEWWW! So when I found out that they finally end up together, it was just too funny for me. But of course, if that is the way she wanted to spend her life with, I am just a friend, so ready to support her.

But something was effed up. The guy didn’t get the part that I am actually cool with them sneaked behind my back for the sake of love. So our friendship started to get messed up. Then one fine day, I received a called from B’s mom, “You see, by any chances, can you tell your friend to break up with that boy”. Of course, I can’t do that. I don’t want to be the selfish bitch wrecking up a relationship. I said, “ All I want is the best for my best friend and seeing her happy with that boy makes my dream come true. I am just a friend, all I can do is to support her and be at her back. I can’t run her life… I am sorry I can’t help you…”

I thought it was one of the few nicest things I did in my life. Turns out it was just a full swing in the wind. They were really serious in missing the part that I am cool with their relationship and stick with the idea that I am the bad guy. So I felt that I am being watched for every move I do or any thing that I say. And I knew, B is not strong enough to handle such tough situation. So that’s it. I distanced myself with them and pretended to be busy. The tiny wrecked in our friendship becomes a humungous crap. We never had the chance to talk about it. It’s like everything is understood. It’s a choice between love and friendship and most likely, friendship are gonna suffer.

And that is when I finally deciphered the meaning of my dream. B and I will gonna face our own battle and the price to pay is our friendship; But because the one who’s driving the vehicle have already passed away… means that this battle will be our death; the death of friendship. The vision in the church symbolizes that in bright times I have random people beside me but in time of darkness I am holding on to only one hand… B.

Up to now things are still screwed. But they are still together and happy. And B’s mom accepted the reality that her daughter loves that boy. And up until now, B and I are still on the sinking ship… almost drowning. It is really awkward every time I bump into her and we talk as if we are a total stranger. There’s an uncanny feelings between us that never stops every time we try making things alright. Then maybe it is just reality that smacking my face that things are not going to go back the way it was.

I just missed her… my best friend because if only things are ok, she should be the one who was there when I heard about my family situation. She should be the one who’s with me when I received my diploma, she should be the one who was with me when I had my first salary… She should be the one who’s with me when my world came stumbling down on me. She should be the one with me when I was still battling against the darkest hours of my life. Without her, I have to fight my battles alone and I have to enjoy some good stuff alone… And I have to live everyday mocking myself that the one I am calling my best friend is just a parody of the real one.

I know it’s over but still I cling… I missed you… B.