The Last Straw: Dear Paul

2013 just ended and most bloggers will surely blog about how this year went by. I felt like I need to but when I started typing my thoughts away, I just know capping my 2013 isn’t what I need to vent. So beware, if you’re still with me at this point I have to warn you that this is gonna be an awful piece of melodramatic-emoish-fucktard piece of rant about love.

To simply give you the background, some years ago I fell in love with a boy and I haven’t totally moved on yet up until now. I tried stealing him away from his current relationship but because he is not in to me, that didn’t happen. He’s getting married soon and I tried so hard (God knows how hard I tried) to be happy for them but I can’t… I just can’t. So I am pouring my feelings out. Why vent online? I don’t know maybe because I need stranger’s sympathy (or create internet havoc) or maybe just maybe he got a hold on to this site and consider this unconventional-close-to-desperation declaration of love as a full-on romantic gesture that’s enough to woo his heart into falling in love with me.

So here it goes:  

Dear Paul,

I know you probably think I am over you because I said I am and I know you wouldn’t think even for a second that I will do this humiliating stunt because you think you know me better because after all we’ve been best friends for almost half of our waking years. Well you are so wrong. I’ve been in love with you for the past 11 years and I am fucking tired of it. I said, I want to move on and just be happy for you and your girl but I can’t. I honestly can’t. God knows how I tried to kill the feelings and just be fuckin okay with it but it is so freakin’ exhausting. I jump from one relationship to another just to void the feelings or at least find someone to replace you with.

But after a dozen failed relationships, I realized I need to stop kidding myself and just accept that there will be no real relationship for me until I am totally over you. I decided being away from you is less stupid than watching you being happy and in love with somebody else. BOY WAS I WRONG THE WHOLE TIME. It took five cheesy tagalog movies and a barrel of beer before I realized that accepting that I can’t get over you will just make it simple.

But I tried fixing that. I really tried.

For a while I live my life by creating an outer dimension where I can make myself believe that I am already over you. I live my life being immune with the pain and the longing and then one day you told me you will marry her soon. I know you are bound to that but it was fracking frustrating how one sentence can ruin my entire ­make-shift fantasy. I gave my best effort making myself well. I work hard on creating that illusion that I can replace you. But you took that away too.

I can’t be happy for you. I wish I could. But here’s what I am going to do. I will maintain my distance and will not bother you until my dying breath because I sincerely believe that you guys are perfect for each other. I love you and I want you to be happy. It sucks that I can’t be that person responsible for your happiness but that is how this crazy ass world rolls.

I know I am rambling and I don’t even made any sense at all. I don’t know how to end this shitty article let alone my feelings for you so I have Barbie Almabis to end it for me. Not the feelings but this entry.

The Ugly Truth

I had a glimpse of my future last week and it ain’t gonna be soooo good. I knew I said this a lot of times to random people and I totally meant it but that was before this shit happened to me. So this is tze story--I’ve been forcing myself lately into doing all the things all at the same time. I had to. I am required to. I can’t blame my company for making their money worth because after all they are paying me enough to be their bitch… OH! WAIT! NO THEY ‘RE NOT! Anyway that is not the issue. The issue was because of that endless amount of work and stress, my health suffered a lot. Last week was the full manifestation of my health failure.

Here’s what happened; the day started not so good. I just came from a weekend bout of fever and flu when I decided not to nurse it because my work was piling up. I showed up at work, feeling weak and looking weak.  I was in the middle of doing my work chore when that sudden sting of pain fucked my head. It was excruciatingly painful that I can no longer see things. I am shaking and my feet were wobbly. I summoned all my remaining strength and led myself to the office clinic. The nurse said I need rest since it was a serious case of over fatigue. I was asked to go home early. I called my mom, she wasn’t home. I can’t call my dad because of the PRO thing. I can’t call the Bestie since he wasn’t near my area…  Then it hit me – I have no one.

I felt so helpless. It was tediously painful but I have to go home and brave the wilderness of the streets, alone. With my impaired vision and throbbing head, I need to this… alone. Thank God, I was so lucky to end with an honest cab driver that did not take advantage of my weakness. I got home safely. I went straight to my room and dozed off.

When I woke up, my mom was there. No words. I was so thirsty but my head was still throbbing in pain. I gathered my strength to stand up and pour myself a tall glass of water. As I quenched the remaining drops of water in my glass, I realized the scary truth – this is gonna be your future, alone. Miserable. Helpless. Weak.

Learn it. Live it. Want it.

I Am Now One of Them

I’ve been with Azkaban for quite sometimes and I can say that I worked very hard just to get to where I am. The work hours are sickening, the pay is frustrating but at the end of the day I am happy.  “Lahat ng trabaho may problema” , that is what I can always say to my friends each time they tried to convince me that I am supposed to be earning more than what I am making right now. With the amount of work and the skills I have, I know I deserved better. But money is not the issue. As I said, I love my job and I am happy with what’s going on with my life right now- not until that day.

...We act with integrity.
 

I may be over-reacting but there’s a principle involved. I take my job seriously and the ethics that comes along with it. I don’t break the law simply because it will only come back to bite me in the ass one day. And the words like “Hindi naman nila malalaman” is simply BULL SHIT. The fact that I got involved into falsifying records no matter how small that is, can be a start of something big.

I now realized, I cannot work for these people anymore. I am not the overly achiever when I was in school. I am not the brightest among my bunch but what makes me stand out is the fact that I do my job with utmost integrity, loyalty and accuracy. I don’t take short cuts. I always choose to take the high roads no matter how hard, no matter how uncomfortable because that is the only way I know I can win in life.

 But today, I broke my rule. I was defeated by my fear. My credibility was shattered. With just one flick of falsified records happened under my nose, my whole career became a horrible travesty. I can’t be trusted anymore. This is not who I am. I became the horror I said I will never be… I am now one of them.

… and I am scared.