The Ugly Truth

I had a glimpse of my future last week and it ain’t gonna be soooo good. I knew I said this a lot of times to random people and I totally meant it but that was before this shit happened to me. So this is tze story--I’ve been forcing myself lately into doing all the things all at the same time. I had to. I am required to. I can’t blame my company for making their money worth because after all they are paying me enough to be their bitch… OH! WAIT! NO THEY ‘RE NOT! Anyway that is not the issue. The issue was because of that endless amount of work and stress, my health suffered a lot. Last week was the full manifestation of my health failure.

Here’s what happened; the day started not so good. I just came from a weekend bout of fever and flu when I decided not to nurse it because my work was piling up. I showed up at work, feeling weak and looking weak.  I was in the middle of doing my work chore when that sudden sting of pain fucked my head. It was excruciatingly painful that I can no longer see things. I am shaking and my feet were wobbly. I summoned all my remaining strength and led myself to the office clinic. The nurse said I need rest since it was a serious case of over fatigue. I was asked to go home early. I called my mom, she wasn’t home. I can’t call my dad because of the PRO thing. I can’t call the Bestie since he wasn’t near my area…  Then it hit me – I have no one.

I felt so helpless. It was tediously painful but I have to go home and brave the wilderness of the streets, alone. With my impaired vision and throbbing head, I need to this… alone. Thank God, I was so lucky to end with an honest cab driver that did not take advantage of my weakness. I got home safely. I went straight to my room and dozed off.

When I woke up, my mom was there. No words. I was so thirsty but my head was still throbbing in pain. I gathered my strength to stand up and pour myself a tall glass of water. As I quenched the remaining drops of water in my glass, I realized the scary truth – this is gonna be your future, alone. Miserable. Helpless. Weak.

Learn it. Live it. Want it.

I Am Now One of Them

I’ve been with Azkaban for quite sometimes and I can say that I worked very hard just to get to where I am. The work hours are sickening, the pay is frustrating but at the end of the day I am happy.  “Lahat ng trabaho may problema” , that is what I can always say to my friends each time they tried to convince me that I am supposed to be earning more than what I am making right now. With the amount of work and the skills I have, I know I deserved better. But money is not the issue. As I said, I love my job and I am happy with what’s going on with my life right now- not until that day.

...We act with integrity.
 

I may be over-reacting but there’s a principle involved. I take my job seriously and the ethics that comes along with it. I don’t break the law simply because it will only come back to bite me in the ass one day. And the words like “Hindi naman nila malalaman” is simply BULL SHIT. The fact that I got involved into falsifying records no matter how small that is, can be a start of something big.

I now realized, I cannot work for these people anymore. I am not the overly achiever when I was in school. I am not the brightest among my bunch but what makes me stand out is the fact that I do my job with utmost integrity, loyalty and accuracy. I don’t take short cuts. I always choose to take the high roads no matter how hard, no matter how uncomfortable because that is the only way I know I can win in life.

 But today, I broke my rule. I was defeated by my fear. My credibility was shattered. With just one flick of falsified records happened under my nose, my whole career became a horrible travesty. I can’t be trusted anymore. This is not who I am. I became the horror I said I will never be… I am now one of them.

… and I am scared.  

An Open Letter to Mom and Dad

First of all, I would like to thank you for the life you gave to me. I will forever be grateful to both of you for giving me a chance to see and experience the world. You have your share of sacrifices just to have me. And I know at some point, you had doubts and wanted to give up. But it’s okay. Life could get tough and sometimes we think things out of desperation covered in pain. But nevertheless, you decided not to and fight for me.

The world is not perfect. I knew that because you let me taste the sweetness and filth of it. You let me be who, where and what I want to be. You let me fail on my own and succeed on my own. You let me stand up for my beliefs and choose the kind of life I want to have. You watched me failed a lot of times and stand up from where I fall. You saw me conquered my fears to win a prize. You saw my weaknesses and my strength. You let me be, what I am today.

But again, the world is not perfect. We are susceptible to treachery, misconduct and hate. The world is not rainbows and butterflies. It was never that way, for anyone – including us. But the dangers of this so called life will never delude my beliefs. I may cry. I may say I want to die. But I am a survivor – just like the Phoenix tattooed on my back. I will burn and die but from the remnants of my own death, I shall rise and see the world again.

I watched you fight and hurt each other. Our home is as displeasing as the wild. I grew up tolerating the general fuckery inside our home and pretended to rest my head and close my eyes to ignore the real deal. I knew you tried so hard to cover things up by giving me luxurious gifts and comfortable room. You made my not-so-perfect-world fart fake rainbows and butterflies.

But you came to a point where lies could no longer cover the truth. You called it quits. You decided it is best that way. I agreed, not because it is best that way but because it should be that way. But I never said it is not painful. I never said I can get over it that quick. However, you both started seeing someone else. Forgetting that I still have feelings and I am still recuperating. I tried telling you that I haven’t moved on but you called me selfish. That’s why I shut my mouth and never speak off it again. I cried every night, asking why I deserve such a great deal of pain. I never had an answer. Those painful feelings started to fade and transform into anger. There’s a burning rage boiling inside me that I can’t release. It eats me up inside making me somebody I don’t desire.

That is why I am writing this. Because the only thing that kept me from exploding is this one tiny hope that one day, this will end. Because for now, we are in a different place. We no longer sing the same song. We are no longer that same people. But it’s okay because like what I have said, the world is not perfect.     

Looking Through the Eyes of A Clown

I carved a smile to hide my pain

and throw puns to remain sane

I live for my people's laughter

and tire myself with endless banter

But when the light goes out

and my face awashed

I looked at the mirror

and see a different person

Tormented by fate's insanity

crashed by someone else uncertainty

I harbor my tears to shelter my being

and cut my heart to numb my feelings

I scream in pain

But no one hears

I plead for help

but no one cares

I lost myself in the pool of gloominess

till nothing is left to end this weariness

my soul is stuck in this endless pit

and so I close my eyes as I end it...

A Fair Warning To You, Father

A noted professor from my academic years told me that it takes a lot of courage for a man to date someone like me because of the way I think. That teacher told me that if I don’t learn to think and act normal I may never get someone to grow old with. Ten years later, I fully understand his premise.

I am not normal. I am not dangerous but I definitely don’t think the way most people do. I respond well to pain and I always root for the peculiar. I don’t blend well in the crowd. I don’t stay in one place for a long time. I can only tolerate a minimum amount of human interaction and I always see things in a different perspective. I grew up in a disoriented and unconventional environment. The benchmark for good manners and appropriate behavior were marked lower than it should be and so I learned my lesson through trial and error. That is why, despite of my young age—I have seen and tasted the real world.

To err is human and to forgive is divine.

It made me who I am today. I may not be academically smart but I am sure as hell that I know how life works. I cannot be fooled by anyone unless I intentionally want to. I have reasons why I don’t speak up yet. But keep in mind that day will come eventually and when that time comes; don’t hold your horses because I won’t hold mine.   

What I wanted to say… What I really wanted to say is, you better watch out!

Scattered Thoughts from an Obliterated Human Being

 

I know it’s been quite awhile since I last updated this site. I maybe busy on a lot of stuffs and my work load is quite a handful than the normal usual but I think it is not reason enough. Lately, I’ve been trying to find that “inspiration” that usually fuels my being into writing my shit. Hell, I am so distracted lately that I couldn’t even produce a substantial-single-liner rant on Facebook or Twitter. Everyday I feel like the writer in me have officially abandoned me for good. It really annoys me to fathom that idea because this has been my bread and butter ever since I got out of College.

I am a writer. That is one absolute fact that I wanted to retain in my not-so-fulfilling career life. In my tombstone, it will read: A loving a daughter, a faithful friend, a writer in heart and soul. The process of keying in my thoughts has been my avenue in releasing what I wanted to tell. I am not really a talker. Most people do not know this but most of my mouthed words are just bunch of nonsense fact about random stuffs. It is just my way to cover the fact that I am really a boring person. The real problem is my brain thinks faster than my mouth. It’s just my obnoxious way of explaining that I over think too much. So I need to process and masticate every single bit of information in my head before releasing it with my mouth. You can’t do that in a conversation because it will only make you look like a retard.

However, I lived in the world where verbal communication is important, so in order for me to live according to what society dictates me to do, I often begin and end my conversations with other people with a pun. In that way, they will not take my strong words too seriously. When I am alone, I think of random scenarios that can possibly happen in my daily interaction with fellow human beings and practice. Yes! I need to practice how will I converse, react or simply respond in order for me to look like a normal person when I am with them. Sometimes, I portrayed the shallow role in the group. So they wouldn’t expect my verbal ideas to be informative or substantial. No pressure for me, absolute entertainment for them. It’s a win-win situation. EH?!

I looked at myself as an extra-ordinary human being. Not in a good way. I have bipolar attributes that even I couldn’t cope up. My opinions on certain things are not always intertwined and maybe that’s the reason why I couldn’t put my shit together. I consider myself a socio-path and I believed I am mentally challenged. I don’t blame anyone why I was raised like this. I think it’s a choice. There’s only a finite number of information that a human brain can store and it is our choice whether what to retain or what’s not. I chose the other way- the way where most people don’t consider normal. I really can’t understand why but if ever I did, it doesn’t really matter to anyone, or does it?

The title of this blog is merely a disclaimer to what is really expected from this article. No flow. No substance. No reasons at all. So if you are still with me at this point, you deserve a pat on your back or a free visit to my psychiatrist because you may not realize it but maybe we are cut out from the same cloth. You know, just sayin.