Reboot.Refresh.Restart

The start of the year went by as perfect as expected-- horrid, excruciating and irritating. Dealing with the same old shit over and over made it so likely unpleasant yet inevitable on my part. The fact that I had to deal with my folks’ self-made drama was written all over my past, present and future wasn’t tolerable enough to dwell with.

But the thing is, choices aren’t so much helpful and somehow the only hero in this pitiful teleserye seems to be unequipped with battle gears and battle plan.

A lot of times I tried to run away from my past believing that by forgetting it will make everything all right. That was my battle plan last year and by stating the obvious, it wasn’t a nice plan. Still the ugly ghost from that unfortunate event (which I wasn’t physically involved in the first place) haunts me like a robber in the night.

Ergo, the beginning of 2010 led me to this mediocre habit-- waking up every morning thinking of a brand new day to start a brand new-less painful-less dramatic life which of course I fail unintentionally for most of the time. I mentally trained myself to act normal and be normal once I step out from the small space I called my room to avoid the pitiful gaze and questionable remarks from the people around me. And when I reach the boiling point, the peak of my mentally trained self, I kept myself hidden under petty and lame excuses. As much as possible, breaking down in public isn’t helping at all. I fathom that the best way to deal with my shit is to keep it veiled.

So before I even start with my daily hygienic morning routine, I have to plaster a big smile on my face, carry an excessive amount of jolly personality sprinkled with klutziness to suffice the whole humanity with the kind of persona I want them to see in me. So that they will not sense even a hint of how rough and painful the path I am walking and going on through.

But this whole schiz is like a circle. No matter how fast I ran away from this God-forsaken shit, I always go back from where I started. I tried every possible way to get out from this circular mess and often found myself weeping and totally disgusted for having another failed attempt.

How I wish everything will go back the way it was before. The time when I still believe that my life is an untold fairytale. The time before reality smacked my face with every single details of truth. Maybe God thinks that I am strong and I could handle everything with just one whip of my fingertips. I wanted to trust His decision that is why I continue to fight for whatever it is I need to fight for -- even if I don’t exactly know if it is even worth it in the first place.

Sometimes, life sucks!

The Year End Review; 2009

It’s been awhile since I last wrote an entry for this site. There were reasons; of course but let’s not get into so much details about it. I spent the few remaining days of 2009 with another set of life’s drama and a whole lot of nicotine and alcohol intake. Like any other year, my 2009 wasn’t good neither bad at all. And since 2009 already bid us goodbye, then this might come off as a year-end review of what I have done in the past 12 months of my life.

The Adventures

This year made me gone from literally North to South of the Metropolis and even outside NCR. We’ve done numerous amount of travel to see, explore and taste the goodness of different places, sceneries and food. Despite of the odds we’ve often encountered e.g. getting lost, driving without license, trapped in a deserted island not to mention the typhoon and the lack of food and light etc. We always considered the bright side of things-- the fun we had. Most of the travels were spontaneous and that made it even more enjoyable.

The highlight of this year’s adventure was the fact that the BBRC made it to Hongkong. We had limited time and money but we enjoyed every single moment we spent their. Plus, it was also the time that I overcome my fear of flying. Well for everyone’s knowledge, I had a phobia of flying after I had my short vacation in Japan when I was a kid. Ever since then, I never thought of travelling by plane will be an option again for me.

The Break-Up

The first and real long time relationship I had ended this year too. I managed to break my own 3-month expiration date in a relationship and made it longer and lasted for more than a year. Unfortunately, just like what I’ve always believe—every beginning must come to an end. It wasn’t easy at first-- switching your status from In a Relationship to Single in all of my social network sites, re-arrangement of my room, explaining the whole world the cause of our break-up, deleting text messages, emails etc., returning stuffs that I just borrowed from him and most importantly, nursing the emotional distress that brought us to separation. And let me remind you that we were engaged. I had the ring and we were already planning.

Coping-up with break-ups has no exact formula of how it should be done without the burden of getting hurt in the process. No matter how strongly the glitch is there will always be an involvement of pain and anger on both sides. But in the process of moving on, one must take the blame and one must forgive.

Back to Singlehood

Being single is the new black. Singlehood leads to meeting lots of different people, making decisions of your own and celebrating Valentines with your single friends (I am not saying that this is a bad thing). I might look independent on the outside but seriously the feeling of unattached isn’t my cup of tea. I am not mentally trained to be alone. But after a series of soul searching and self assessment, I already accepted the fact that maybe it wasn’t the kind of man I choose not even the kind of relationship I had that always lead me into relationship catastrophe… it’s the fact that maybe I am not the marrying type not even the girlfriend type. My role in this lifetime is not to be swept away by love but just to celebrate life the way it is.

It also crossed my mind that maybe I am gay (insert laughter here). But just the mere thought of it makes me barf. I already have my own pussy to pleasure; I don’t need someone else’s just to get through a horny night. Juz kidding!

And come on, you don’t have to be in a relationship status just to get laid. But seriously, it came so clear to me that being in a relationship with myself is no longer on the hands of fate—it already became a matter of choice for me.

Sportsy Bitsy

I’ve never imagine myself being the sporty type. Although I used to play volleyball and ended up training with the pros, I was never serious back then. But because of the never ending saga of searching for the perfect way to be fit, I started playing badminton. It became part of my weekly routine and now I am officially addicted to it. I lost some pounds but eventually gained it back. But I will fuck hell just to reach my goal… Wish me luck!

The question of morality

Sometimes dealing a post break-up situation could make you go beyond your limits. I may not be fond of going to church every Sunday and may not be one of the Catholic’s role model but I always put boundaries in my everyday routine. But this year, I crossed the line. I violated one rule of myself implied margins and actually crossed over the line of immorality. It was bad, it was awful and it was something I should regret. I could easily blame it on the booze, the drug or even the man. But at the end of the day, no one must accept the fault but me. I knew perfectly what was happening despite of the alcohol, the pill and the feelings. I knew that I was wrong but I let my weakness overcome my sanity and go on with the flow.

After some series of external and internal debate, there was nothing I can do to revamp what happen. I was wrong therefore I should be punished or at least I should have done something to save my ass from the fires of hell. Normally, Catholics will go to Church and confess their sins as for me, I went to Galleria and had my tongue pierced. So until the end of my life being, I will never forget the time that I let my tongue did the thinking.

The Financial Shortage

Due to my high maintenance lifestyle, I always found myself face to face with a zero balance receipt and out of cash savings account. I am spending way too much from what I am earning. And it was getting from bad to worst. So instead of changing my extravagant lifestyle, I accepted sideline gigs and searched for a new and better paying job. My sideline gig helped me make it through my frugal moments but it wasn’t enough to support my daily needs (daily needs include shopping, travelling in short spending money). So when I finally had the guts to asked for an increase (in which I am really entitled too) in my present job... let just say, I’ve sealed the deal. I can live my life again.

Domestic drama, failure and tragedy

I lived for a fact that when it comes to domestic drama, I can rock the world with my finger tips. Living in my place is like watching a reality show in TV—forlorn sets of drama, action, comedy, suspense and horror. Somehow I found myself getting used to it because obviously I have no choice. Dealing with such miserable dramas made me go back to my old habits of popping calming pills just to get through a night. Not that I am addicted (or maybe I am), it was just one favor I could give to myself. Sleeping is like the most important fun in my life aside from shopping. And depriving my physical body from a good amount of dozing time is heller than hell.

The mid-life crisis

There were some points in my life that I had to question myself, am I really on the right path? Being a full time writer became my source of income since the day I embraced the whole idea of corporate living. I’ve done almost all aspects when it comes to writing biz but there was a point in my life that I stopped believing that I am meant to be in this path forever. In all of my previous writings, I can’t deny the fact that I constantly violate the rules of grammar. And being in this world, these rules are necessity. Then one day, my mentor actually stated right into my face that I am not fitted for this job-- that I have no sense at all. I was devastated of course. So I stopped from blogging and felt sorry for myself. I began to search for the easy way out by penalizing myself by not touching my keyboard. But after quite some time, I felt the urged of expressing my thoughts and ended up signing for another social network site so I can post my photographs and one liner opinion. It wasn’t easy-- so I am back to blogging and I do not care how many times I have to violate the rules of punctuation, subject-verb agreement etc. None of this will matter to me anymore. I will keep on writing to enhance my weakness. So one day, I could slap that douche with my masterpiece.

And now, another year embarks humanity. What can I say but, 2010—welcome aboard!