The Year 2016

I started this year with a glimmering and humongous ball of hope that 2016 will definitely be my year. But my oh my, it's not. And here's how:

The Failed Promotion

I've been in this company for quite a while and I can say that my work is exemplary. I am not bragging but my achievements can speak for itself. I spent most of my waking hour in the office to the point that I always put my "DQMR" hat above everything else; that includes, my family, my friends and my health. There was a brief moment when my dogs would bark at me because I am not home most of the time and they couldn't recognized me anymore. I am always sick. Often my illness is due to over fatigue or lack of sleep (but I still go to work). My Mom and Dad called it quits after a 29 years of relationship and I wasn't even home for it because I am at work. Worst of all, I told them that they can sort their shit without me because I have no time because I have an audit to prepare for. In short, my personal and health life is falling apart because I am too busy making my boss proud of me. So with that in mind, I humbly asked my superiors if they can spare a little of their time to review my performance and consider promoting me.


It was a favorable response but it didn't push through. Maybe I am not good enough yet. So failed!


The Heart Break

I am, for lack of better term, "heartless" ever since my heart was stumped and crippled by a monster back in 2011. Suffice to say, I veered away from any romantic and emotional attachment because I was that damaged. But before the end of 2015, my close friends and I decided that maybe it is time for me to get back in the horse. Normally, my game is to just wait for my desired guy to fall in love with me. I am that insecure. Contrary to others belief, I am actually shy at this kind of things. I don't do bold moves to win a man.


However, this year, I changed my game. Somebody convinced me that I am not young anymore and that I need to be a bit more aggressive in claiming what I want. So I mustered all the courage I can get and decided to make the first move. I fuckin' rehearse my line for 2 weeks just to make it perfect. To cut the story short, I professed my feelings and got sucker punched in the end. Though I got an "I'm sorry-I-don't-feel-the-same-way" hug from him before we part ways. So failed!


The Good Daughter

 Four years after the separation, I am still not used to spending two Christmases and New Years to two different houses (too much carbs, y'all). But I can live with that. What fuckin disgusted me this year was the fact that I have to deal with incessant and unnecessarily household dramas from my relatives. But because I am the "good apo", I need to be okay with them making my world uncomfortable to live with. So failed!


The Half-Faced Freeze

To put cherry on top of my awesome year, because I am too neglectful of my own health (because of the shitload of to do list in my bucket) my face kind of froze, literally. I encountered a viral infection which resulted to bell's palsy. It is a syndrome where my face muscles decided to commit harakiri. I have to undergo therapy and medicines just to wiped that "ngiwi" smile on my face. I sound funny while writing this but fuck it's not. I am constantly drooling. I can't drink without spilling. I can't close my right eye; so I need to put tape in it every night before I can go to sleep. I need to put lubrication in my eye because I can't blink. If I don't, I will go blind. So yeah failed!


Cooper

However despite the odds, I will not end my year with me not having the promotion I deserve; with me not winning the heart of the man I loved; with me not having a fair share of comfortable household; with me not moving my half face -- because I am that stubborn. I refused to end this year with negativity and failed goals.

I FUCKIN BOUGHT MY FIRST CAR!

Some say, it is financial suicide. But HELL NO! I am breaking my misfortune by snatching the wheel back to my hand. I bought this car for two reasons; first is to crossed it off my bucket list and second is to deliver a statement. A statement that says-- PAKYU Universe! I will not let your negativity control my life. This is me refusing to accept defeat. This is me standing up for 2016 and give myself a little pat on the back for unlocking one of the major entry in my bucket list. Because when I grow old and I was asked what is my memory of 2016; the one thing I will remember is--- 2016 is the year I purchased my first car which I named, Cooper. 

ANTON: The Unrequited Love

About four years ago, I got myself involved in an eccentric-pseudo relationship with a stick figure with no soul. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life but it was also the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day is like paradise. It was indeed a fantasy from which my heart never wished to wake up but my mind tells me otherwise. I hit rock bottom.

I opted for the high road. I chose to let go of the fantasy and be in the “right” choice. I was able to get my feet back in the game. Fast forward into the present, I am what I am right now because I chose not to fall in love again. I purposely stay away from any potential relationship because I knew that is my weakness. I forced my heart to get numb. To not feel anything even the slightest hint of admiration. 

But just as I thought I am getting good at it, Anton came into my life.

“I still love you, but you are not worth this pain…”

People from my world were all perplexed when I told them about Anton. They told me that he’s just an over-correction and my feelings for him won’t last. As much as I would like to agree with them, my heart shouts otherwise. The simple infatuation turned into obsession. I found myself distracted from everything. I can’t concentrate and sleep. He’s all I am thinking about. So I decided to end it once and for all.

"I don't want to be the person looking at the close box wondering whether the cat is alive or dead... I want to open the box and see it for myself... So I am asking you, is the cat dead or alive?"

... Anton swallowed his own spit and looked the other way. I knew from that look that his answer is No...
 

I was crushed. I wanted to get lost in the oblivion of my own despair. I have once again let my guards down and succumb into a fantasy called love. I don’t exactly know why I loved him. I am not sure if this is really love; or just an addiction. Addiction to an exquisite pain of loving someone that is unattainable.

I know he will never read this blog. I know he will never even bother to take a second look at this entry. But just in case he will stumble upon this, here’s what I have to say…”Anton, my sweet darling Anton… I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. But through the years, I have learn to love myself a little bit more that is why I won’t wait for you to love me back. I just want you to know that we could have been wonderful. But you let go of that chance when you said No… I wish you nothing but happiness. I’ll be okay. Thanks for being so honest… I love you, for the last time.”