About four years ago, I got myself involved in an eccentric-pseudo
relationship with a stick figure with no soul. It was the stupidest thing I’ve
ever done in my whole life but it was also the happiest I’ve ever been. Every day
is like paradise. It was indeed a fantasy from which my heart never wished to
wake up but my mind tells me otherwise. I hit rock bottom.
I opted for the high road. I chose to let go of the fantasy
and be in the “right” choice. I was able to get my feet back in the game. Fast
forward into the present, I am what I am right now because I chose not to fall
in love again. I purposely stay away from any potential relationship because I
knew that is my weakness. I forced my heart to get numb. To not feel anything
even the slightest hint of admiration.
But just as I thought I am getting good at it, Anton came into my life.
“I still love you, but
you are not worth this pain…”
People from my world were all perplexed when I told them
about Anton. They told me that he’s
just an over-correction and my feelings for him won’t last. As much as I would
like to agree with them, my heart shouts otherwise. The simple infatuation
turned into obsession. I found myself distracted from everything. I can’t concentrate
and sleep. He’s all I am thinking about. So I decided to end it once and for
all.
"I don't want to be the person looking at the close box wondering
whether the cat is alive or dead... I want to open the box and see it
for myself... So I am asking you, is the cat dead or alive?"
... Anton swallowed his own spit and looked the other way. I knew from that look that his answer is No...
I was crushed. I wanted to get lost in the oblivion of my
own despair. I have once again let my guards down and succumb into a fantasy
called love. I don’t exactly know why I loved him. I am not sure if this is
really love; or just an addiction. Addiction to an exquisite pain of loving
someone that is unattainable.
I know he will never read this blog. I know he will never
even bother to take a second look at this entry. But just in case he will
stumble upon this, here’s what I have to say…”Anton, my sweet darling Anton… I
loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. But through the years, I have
learn to love myself a little bit more that is why I won’t wait for you to love
me back. I just want you to know that we could have been wonderful. But you let
go of that chance when you said No… I wish you nothing but happiness. I’ll be
okay. Thanks for being so honest… I love you, for the last time.”
