Bayan o Sarili: An Unsolicited Opinion from a Wimpy Adult

 

 

My primal reason for taking Journalism in college is the fact that I want to become a journalist. I wanted to expose the truth. I wanted to ensure check and balance for the greater good. But as I walk through the journey of being in the media (I have enough exposure since I studied at a school that has its own broadsheet) I realized that I am not only digging my grave deep but I am actually walking towards my death. There’s too much dirt and “under the table” shenanigans. Not to mention, the financial stability is at stake. And so I opted for another route.

I used to have an opinion on all things. I am not good at verbal confrontation or debate; (I suck at it, really) that is why I have a blog to air out my thoughts when I decided to abandon the journalistic career. I was very brave back then. Maybe because when we are young, we tend to feel that we can own the world. Our balls are bigger as the boulder chasing Indiana Jones. We have this unknown force raising our fearless level to max. Also, we have enough supply of energy to do what we want to do. Our glands are overflowing with hormones, making us forget about the repercussions of our actions. But as we grow old, life will smack our face with a cold hard truth; that having an opinion will just get you killed.

But the hunger to broadcast the truth is still in my system. I can not just abandon the ethics I learned from my mentors just because I chose not to hold on to my Press ID. So from time to time I dip my toes to some social news or simply airing out my opinion whether social or personal in my social media accounts. I got burned a lot of times. But difference between then and now is when my opinionated-bitchy mouth gets me into to trouble; I fight back in with utmost indignation because I know for sure that I am from the right side. But now, I’d crawl back to my lair like a full-grown coward while nursing the wounds of people that got offended from my written thoughts.  

I don’t have that fierce in me anymore. I used to be tough and I don’t get easily intimidated. But life happens when you start to think of others welfare too. You will start to fear for your life not because you are scared to die but you are afraid if the consequences will bring pain (physical or emotional) to your loved ones. You tend to care for that other person more than you think of your own beliefs and what-not. So instead of fighting for what you think is right based on your perception or principles, I am forced to shut up.

Having an opinion and exercising your freedom of speech is overrated because every human has a different mindset and beliefs. And if you point out your opinion, chances are somebody will going to feel affronted. And if that person has a power over you; it can be very ugly and painful.

So going back to the question Bayan o Sarili?  This pretty much sums it up. I am not Ahron Villaflor's character, Joven in Heneral Luna who will still expose the truth despite the ear and hand injury he got from the war.

 

Okay? Okay!

This is going to be my first post for 2015. I haven’t been updating this blog for a long time not because I have no time but because I simply don’t have anything to write about. Lately, my life revolves around work, home, dogs and TV series marathon. Fun and I had a temporary set-back. Not that I resent fun but lately I feel like my life is pretty much running the same course every single day. I got tired of doing things I used to enjoy or being with people I used to be with. I feel like I am comfortable being alone. It terrifies me how I love being with myself and I preferred shutting down all kinds of human interaction. I am scared to wake up one day and realized I already barred everyone away and I am in different kind of alone. But I can’t help it. I actually love having no one around me.

Another reason why I don’t blog anymore is the fact that I think I am getting rusty. I have a number of failed attempts before in updating this blog site. But somewhere along my twisted mind, I can’t finish what I started. I can’t formulate a complete train of thought let alone finish a whole blog entry. I am all over the place. (writing this entry alone took me a month, so, get my point?)

2014 was an emotional rollercoaster ride. It’s a constant feast of treachery, betrayal and anguish. I never thought I could make it through but maybe, just maybe, having been in a near-death situation could really make your skin a little thicker and your heart a little harder.

I’ve been doing very well, career wise. I finished off my deliverables with an ultimate perfection. I hosted different corporate events and parties both for fun and work – all of which hit with absolute aptness. I have received sumptuous clamor and appreciation from both the Big Boss and the Super Big Boss. But then again, you can’t really have the best of both worlds. While I am rocking solidly at my job, my family affair was doing the bitching. But I was able to make it until the end of the year and frankly, I think I am OK.

I lost a friend just before the holiday started. It was a bit shocking and it forced everyone in my High school group to reunite (virtually) to commemorate his life. Death of a loved one is really a constant reminder of mortality and how we should really savor every minute of our own existence before we clocked out.

Then a week after my birthday, one of my dogs died. He’s been suffering from an organ failure for quite sometimes and it was really heartbreaking. It was not a sudden death but it cut my heart so bad that it made me decide to stop adopting pets for awhile. As of writing this entry, I am still not yet over the pain and still having flashbacks of that sordid event. 

I am OK. Or at least I think I am. I am having this panic attack lately which I masked flawlessly for everyone to not notice. I am getting better at this. Every time I feel that ounce of panic in my system, instead of popping calming pills, I start doing some physical work. Like immediately after my dog died, I cleaned the entire house, have my hair chopped, dyed it and performed a DYI keratin treatment. I don’t know if I am dealing it the right way but I guess it works.

So I guess I am OK.

I hope I am OK.