On Quitting Jobhen

Ang hirap nyang timplahin. Hindi ko alam kung ayos lang ba dito na kasama nya ako o hinde. Masyado ko lang bang nilalagyan ng matinding pressure ang sarili ko tuwing kasama ko sya. Nagpapanggap ako to be someone I am not. Wala na kaming mapagusapan. Halatang wala na syang masabi or makuwento. Hindi rin ako makapag bring up ng topic dahil baka hindi lang nya magustuhan. I think I am giving too much effort into something i shouldn't have done in the first place. Lakas na talaga ng pakiramdam ko na hindi na nya ako gustong kasama at nabobored na talaga sya. Or baka inaatake lang ako ng insecurities ko at i am just jumping into conclusion. taena... the situation is getting worse every minute. I couldn't even grasp what's happening. eto na, nahulog na ako. nag give in na ako sa gusto ng puso ko. I think it's about time to let my brains take over. I have to come back to my senses. this isn't worth it.

Bulleted Thoughts

I’ve been staring on this blank sheet for almost three days and I still can’t figure out how I’m going to start this entry. To start off, I’ve got nothing to say… or I am just so fucking tired right now because I can’t even think of something nice to write about.

All the ideas I have for this blog are swirling like a haze inside my head. So, instead of making an actual entry – paragraphs and all – that I usually do… I’ll have it bulleted just for the sake of posting something here.

Ø To Leave or Not To Leave

I’ve been staying here in this “sweatshop” for almost 10 months and I am getting closer to my first year anniversary. I have nothing against the company though some of the people here are not the nicest person in the world… but I really don’t give a fuck. The mere presence of a particular douchebag co-worker plus the coming of the Digital Gay Dream is like a happy pill for my every day routine. And of course, the torture of leaving my "heart" in this cubicleville makes me want to shiver and locked my feet. It’s a tough call seriously… it’s a choice between what you want and what you need. Again, another reason why I don’t want to be emotionally attached with anyone in my office because of things like this.

Ø The Japanese Invasion

After 3 long years, they came back. The only cousin whom I considered the loveliest person on Earth took a 5 day vacation here in the Pearl of the Orient. Despite of the communication barrier (since she only speaks Nihonggo), we were able to understand each other. I know… It’s really weird considering we don’t speak the same language. I only knew a few words but we could talk all day and all night. The abundance of food during her stay compensated the lack of sleep. We were literally bombarded with lots and lots…and lots of food. I gain an unbelievable amount of weight in 3 days. Now, I am killing myself just to burn all those fats away. In the end… everything went exactly the way we planned it. Except… she doesn’t like Jobhen! Hahahaha!!!

Ø The whip of Jobhen

I am an inch close from getting my ass screwed. I know that day will come soon. And if that day comes, I’ll be dead.

Ø If only I could turn back time…

I felt so sad for losing a friend over some stupid prank that I did some weeks ago. I thought it was funny but apparently it wasn’t. He got pissed and refused to accept my apology. Now, I am doing my best effort to win him back but it’s not working. As much as I wanted to talk to him and tell him how much I miss his company… he already close his doors and end our friendship. I felt awful and tormented. I wish I didn’t pull that joke. But it’s too late… So just in case you found this entry… I am really really sorry Ronald. Seriously, life is much better if we could be friends again. So I hope one day, you’ll find in your heart to accept my apology.

When You Found Yourself Craving for Sleep

“Hindi ka makatulog, hindi ka makakain, lagi kang tulala… sa amin ang tawag dyan ay adik…” – Paeng

Last Saturday and Sunday was peculiar and outlandish. I actually knew what went wrong but the thing was I can’t accept that I am really falling for it… not again! It wasn’t even real, it wasn’t even anything passionate and hell fucks it wasn’t even worth it. I am being vague here but as much as I wanted to re-tell the whole shit thing out… I don’t even know how to start.

After this entire schiz even existed in my system, I was a lousy fucktard every morning. I always struggle when waking up to start another day in my daily job. It’s not that I am not fond of earning money; I just love spending inevitable amount of time in bed.

Now, I am agitated every sunrise to wake up and glam up only to torture myself from watching an excruciating view that never fails to ruin my entire day. Every morning, I am half expecting that it will be different but nevertheless it’s not. I am stuck in the corner, polluting my lungs with nicotine and wondering how I will incarcerate all the angry thoughts in my nuts. At the end of the day, I am craving for alcohol to help in fooling myself that tomorrow will be another day. And just recently, I am back to my calming pills. Bad or worst, I don’t effin know!

It’s been two weeks of non-stop alcohol consumption. I am back to my old self… the same person who was shattered and molested by the never ending blows of shit-life drama. But this time, I am much stronger and wiser not to give too much emphasis on that particular portion in my life.

This is the first time I am gonna admit this thing… I am falling in love. Damn it! No matter how hard I try not to feel this stupid shit anymore… it’s not working. And what made it worst was, every day it gets deeper and deeper. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t have to know. I intend to keep it forever till it fades. What we have right now is a flourishing friendship and I want to keep it that way. There is no room for any fucktarded conflict or issues in my system right now. I am currently enjoying the freedom in my hands… and yeah that’s it!