The start of the year went by as perfect as expected-- horrid, excruciating and irritating. Dealing with the same old shit over and over made it so likely unpleasant yet inevitable on my part. The fact that I had to deal with my folks’ self-made drama was written all over my past, present and future wasn’t tolerable enough to dwell with.
But the thing is, choices aren’t so much helpful and somehow the only hero in this pitiful teleserye seems to be unequipped with battle gears and battle plan.
A lot of times I tried to run away from my past believing that by forgetting it will make everything all right. That was my battle plan last year and by stating the obvious, it wasn’t a nice plan. Still the ugly ghost from that unfortunate event (which I wasn’t physically involved in the first place) haunts me like a robber in the night.
Ergo, the beginning of 2010 led me to this mediocre habit-- waking up every morning thinking of a brand new day to start a brand new-less painful-less dramatic life which of course I fail unintentionally for most of the time. I mentally trained myself to act normal and be normal once I step out from the small space I called my room to avoid the pitiful gaze and questionable remarks from the people around me. And when I reach the boiling point, the peak of my mentally trained self, I kept myself hidden under petty and lame excuses. As much as possible, breaking down in public isn’t helping at all. I fathom that the best way to deal with my shit is to keep it veiled.
So before I even start with my daily hygienic morning routine, I have to plaster a big smile on my face, carry an excessive amount of jolly personality sprinkled with klutziness to suffice the whole humanity with the kind of persona I want them to see in me. So that they will not sense even a hint of how rough and painful the path I am walking and going on through.
But this whole schiz is like a circle. No matter how fast I ran away from this God-forsaken shit, I always go back from where I started. I tried every possible way to get out from this circular mess and often found myself weeping and totally disgusted for having another failed attempt.
How I wish everything will go back the way it was before. The time when I still believe that my life is an untold fairytale. The time before reality smacked my face with every single details of truth. Maybe God thinks that I am strong and I could handle everything with just one whip of my fingertips. I wanted to trust His decision that is why I continue to fight for whatever it is I need to fight for -- even if I don’t exactly know if it is even worth it in the first place.
Sometimes, life sucks!
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